Ponies and Prom

I feel like it's been forever since my fingers have glided across the keyboard to document my thoughts and feelings. To be completely transparent, I have been incredibly busy and I'm still dealing with low energy levels and white blood counts. Like everyone in Indiana, we have also dealt with sickness after sickness in our house. The winter season has been brutal both in health and weather. Now that the snow has melted away, the promise of brighter days ahead is evident in the blades of grass regaining their green hue, the birds returning to their favorite limbs, and the flower bulbs sprouting through the thawed earth. It is a time of renewal and for me, I welcome it.

It is mind blowing for me to look back on my journey. I keep thinking about what I was going through and dealing with a year ago and comparing those feelings with where I am today. I have always likened this journey to a marathon. It does and did take patience, pacing, and listening to my body. It wasn't going to be a quick sprint to the ribbon stretched taught across the finish line. There actually isn't a finish line at all. Just some rest stops along the way. Regardless of that nauseating fun fact, I am still ecstatic to be at this point in the race. I look back at the miles I have traveled and I'm in utter disbelief at the distance covered.

Several of those miles include my side business that was born last January. I look back at a year ago and can't believe I did what I did going through what I went through all while being in disbelief as to how much it has grown and all that I have learned. Aside from all of the teams and seniors I have on my schedule, I am adding another "first" job to the portfolio....the PROM!! I had the idea last year but didn't really pursue it. I wanted to bring back prom photos! Yes, the beautiful photos in different locations are stunning and great memories, but how fun is it to have a prom photo to compare to the many generations before you? My mom still has her dance photos and even in my generation we had the photos at the dances that are locked up in my photo memory box. It's just cool to keep some of those rights of passage so to speak and I it's wild that I have been given the opportunity to provide it for this years prom goers! I haven't been to the prom in 22 years, but that all changes this April!

I knew about this time last year that my cancer had spread to my lymph nodes, I had been upgraded to stage 3, and that my recurrence rate was extremely high due to all of those factors. I also knew that after all of the physically daunting treatments were finished, I would be on medication for a very long time. What I didn't realize is that the medication is just to prolong what could be an inevitable return to active patient status at Schneck Cancer Center. I don't mean to be a Debbie Downer, but the harsh reality is that the chances for me to be completely healed and never deal with this stuff again are pretty low. For that reason, one of the medications that I am on is an immunotherapy drug. It basically acts like chemotherapy by binding to and destroying cancer cells. There are only a few options on the market and my first experience with immunotherapy drugs did not fare well. Let's just say that I spent more time in the bathroom than I did working, sleeping, eating, etc. The experience left my absolutely drained and feeling helpless and hopeless. I was so scared that my new normal was going to entail being chained to the bathroom without the possibility of parole. Luckily, after talking with my oncologist, I found out that my reaction was too severe and that there is another medication that I should be able to tolerate without issue. I'll get three years of therapy and then an additional 7 of the hormone inhibitor that I am on. I'll be 50 when my current treatment plan expires. I'm praying for 50 and fabulous....and still cancer free.

I have trouble with the word "survivor". Survivor, to me, means that you have completed or gone through and finished a difficult circumstance. I know I have survived everything cancer has thrown at me so far, but I don't know if the actual term resonates with my journey as it does with others. Regardless of how I feel, my incredible aunt from Louisville nominated me to be a participant in the Kentucky Derby Oaks Survivors Parade in May. To my surprise, I was actually picked to be a participant for this years Oaks Day! I know I will have to get a pink dress and a matching derby hat to promenade across the lawn like the ponies do after their race, but what I'm having trouble with is what to write on my survivor's card. The idea is to write down the distance in time you have survived since battling cancer. While I don't believe I have any cancer in my body at the moment, I feel like I am always going to be battling it. In a way, I almost feel fraudulent identifying with a group of women who have finished their battles. Regardless of how I feel, I will still strut across the race track to celebrate surviving everything thus far.

That last statement reminds me of a recent sermon at church. The passage I am referring to is found in 1 Samuel chapter 7. The Israelites, led by Samuel, had gathered at Mizpah to repent of their sin and turn back to the Lord. The Philistines heard that all of Israel was gathered there and they planned to attach them. The Israelites heard of the Philistine plan and begged Samuel to intercede on their behalf. So Samuel sacrificed a lamb and cried out to the Lord to spare the Israelites. The Lord answered with loud thunder and the Philistines were thrown into a panic. The Israelites pursued them and slaughtered them all. After their victory, Samuel placed a stone in Mizpah that he named Ebenezer saying "Thus far the Lord has helped us." I think I wrote about this in another blog post, but the story still resonates deeply within me and is so applicable to my life. Thus far, I have survived because of the Lord. Thus far, I have been blessed and favored because of the Lord. Thus far, my enemies have not been successful because of the Lord. Thus far, I am still here because of the Lord. So while I may not completely feel like a survivor on May 2nd, I can still have my Ebenezer stone moment and celebrate what the Lord has done thus far!

Just for today, I will be thankful for all I have survived thus far. Just for today, I will be grateful for the opportunities God has given me. Just for today, I will stay in today's truth that I am in remission. Just for today, I will pray that my new meds won't tether me to any more toilets!

E