Lilies and Fillies

As I stepped onto the tall grass of the Matt Winn Turf Course at Churchill Downs, I couldn't help but mentally go through the events of the prior year that got me to that point. The crowd erupted in cheers and applause as myself and 149 other women marched through the turf track littered with horse manure from the fillies who had just raced there moments ago to the center stage of Winner's Circle. We waved and walked with our lily bouquets and signs pronouncing the time we are celebrating of fighting our fight against breast and/or ovarian cancers. Once the parade had concluded, we gathered behind the bright pink banners displaying our cause for an official 17th annual photo to commemorate the day. With the cheers and applause still echoing across the track, one lady behind me told us, "Take it in ladies, this is all for us.." and I began to unravel with emotions.

Several months ago, my aunt Tracy nominated me to take part in the now historic Survivors Parade at the 151st Kentucky Derby Oaks Day at Churchill Downs in Louisville Kentucky. Prior to my nomination, I had no idea that such an honor existed. I received word soon after that I was one of the 150 women chosen to be honored at this year's event. I had no idea what to expect, but I was excited to experience Churchill Downs in a way I never had before....from the very ground that thousands of hooves have thundered over for millions of dollars over the decades. The day far exceeded what my imagination had conjured up.

Oak's Day at Churchill Downs takes place on the Friday before the Kentucky derby. Female horses called fillies are on the docket for the races of the day. Attendees are instructed to wear pink that day to bring awareness to breast and ovarian cancers and a nod to the official Oaks Day flower, the stargazer lily. Part of the day includes a parade that participants are chosen women who have fought or are fighting breast and ovarian cancers. It is overwhelmingly a day for the ladies, both on the track and in the special infield turf suites.

Our day began with walking through the paddock gates and all of the vendor and food booths located right inside the entry gates. We proceeded to the underground tunnel that leads to the infield turf which I had no idea even existed until I received our RFID bracelets with our suite location. From there, we were greeted with survivor giftbags and swag and escorted into our air conditioned suite that included a complimentary buffet, complimentary drinks, complimentary souvenir cups, and our very own betting windows. If that wasn't enough, we were literally 30 feet away from the home straight away part of the track. It was unreal! Our suite had TV's that we could comfortably watch each race at or we could go out onto the terrace to watch the girls go thundering by as they raced to the finish pole just 50 yards away. Over 50 guests were in our suite with their pink attire and derby hats of every shape and size. Some outfits were comical, some were classy, but they all served one purpose, to bring awareness and celebrate the cancer journeys of the women who had gathered there.

At 2:00, we made our way out of the suites and started to line up for the spectacle of the day. It was inspiring to see the various counts of days, weeks, months, or years on each survivor's fan. There were women there still fighting with surgeries yet still around the corner in the coming weeks. My table mate was celebrating 8 years since being diagnosed with metastatic breast cancer that had metastasized to her spine causing her paralysis. There was yet another young woman who was just 28 years old who had been diagnosed with stage 4 metastatic cancer. While every journey and diagnosis had their differences, we all shared in one binding characteristic...cancer. As I have said before, there are many types and stages of cancer, but there are so many characteristics that a cancer diagnosis and treatment bring to everyone who walks those fated roads.

As soon as the banners crossed the threshold to the track, the crowd erupted in cheers and applause. It was almost too overwhelming as I watched the women ahead of me, donned in their pink attire, step out and wave to the crowd or punch fists in the air. There had to have been over 50 photographers along the path with half as many TV station recorders over the 1/8 mile stretch. With the sun beating down on the fascinators and hats of the 150 women walking through the tall grass and avoiding the remnants of the races prior, we walked, waved, cried, cheered, and took in the moment. As I made the turn near my suite, I looked over and found my mom taking photos leaned over the viewing rail of suite 306. I waved and the tears fell. It was a momentary feeling of victory. One that I didn't know I needed or was missing.

We have started a new study at church this last week. It always seems like our pastor preaches and teaches on things that I need to hear at the very time I need to hear them. I have felt a little empty since completing my treatments and frequent tenure at the cancer center. I couldn't quite place my finger on what it was until I started to read the study for the week. I thought maybe I missed the friendships that I had formed from seeing my caregivers every day for the better part of a year or the check in texts from friends and family that came daily or weekly. But it was so much more than that.

While going through my treatment journey and the surgeries littered along the way, it was very easy to try and draw as close as I could to Jesus. I KNEW He was the only one who could give me any type of peace, bravery, assurance, and healing. Regrettably, once my treatments ended and I was thrust back into my new life as I now know it post cancer, I found myself praying less, talking to God less, and just flat out being less. It wasn't until last week that my finger finally landed on the cause of all of my angst the last few months. I had forgotten about the Awe of God.

The study talks about a virtue that many people forget about in the hustle and bustle of life in this modern age. We forget to fear the Lord. It isn't about being afraid of God. It's being in awe of him. He is the only one who can do immeasurably more than we could ever think or imagine. The One who created the sun, moon, and stars, who created us from the dust, who sent his only son to die a criminals death to take on the sin of humanity, the one who can heal, and the one who can take away. The Bible says that we can't even fathom his Glory. We can't even take in his presence in our physical bodies. We forget who He is and therefore forget what He has done and can do which leads us to entertain every fear the enemy has to throw at us.

I know that God is omnipresent, but what I have been missing is his manifested presence in my life. I felt it on February 9th, March 26th, August 5th, September 19th, and December 10th. He walked me through every hard thing and in return I've basically just said, "Okay God, thanks, but I got it from here." It never has and won't ever work that way. We need God not just in the hard times but in the every day mundane. Remembering how great God is helps me to not want to be without him. Fearing the Lord is fearing to be apart from him and his presence. Fearing the Lord is remembering all He has done and can do and wanting to be intimately close to Him. We've just started this study, however, I have learned so much already and look forward to everything the study will reveal about God and his infinite love for me, cancer or not.

I won't soon forget my time with the fillies and lilies of Kentucky Oaks Day. While the taste of victory still lingers on my lips, I know I have a long road of recovery still to go. The memories of 2024 are still so fresh and raw. The one memory I hope to resurrect and hold onto is the manifest presence of God in my life.

Just for today, I will try to grasp just how great God is. Just for today, I will believe I have victory in all areas of my life. Just for today, I will honor the women still fighting and to the one who lost her battle before she shared the blades of grass with the rest of us on Friday. Just for today, I will be thankful for the smell of manure and stargazer lilies.